Change of Mood

So it finally happened--my good mood and happiness came crashing down suddenly and very unexpectedly.

Tuesday night I fell into bed around 11:30, thinking I would be asleep shortly thereafter. I was so very wrong. Midnight past....then 2:00 a.m.......then 4 a.m......then 5 a.m.....sleep would not come. Insomnia in and of itself is bad enough, but unfortunately I wasn't just suffering from the inability to fall asleep. My depression had come back, and was hitting me hard. Every sad/heartbreaking/unhappy moment in my life suddenly was playing in my mind--no matter what I tried to do I could not find peace or happiness. Happy thoughts were quickly erased from my mind and I was consumed with sadness and had never felt so completely alone. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard. My mission call, something that has brought me so much joy and happiness, suddenly made me scared. I began to think that if I went on a mission, I was doomed to be single forever. This thought has never crossed my mind before and I've never been one to worry too much over getting married, but I was completely convinced that night that I was never going to get married if I did leave on my mission. I was overwhelmed with loneliness and wondered how God could do that to me. I cannot explain the depths of my depression but it entirely consumed me.

The next day the depression continued, but now that I was awake it dawned on me what had happened. Satan has finally started his work in trying to prevent me from serving my mission. He used his cunning tactics to do everything in his power to make sure I do not go. He had me believing lies, and made me feel like no one loved me or cared about me. He knew my weaknesses and used them to his advantage. Knowing that Satan was behind those thoughts I had has comforted me and helped my depression, but unfortunately that night still has had an impact on me and I have not completely been able to shake the sadness away. That night did strengthen my testimony though--Satan knows how important this mission is and what an impact it will have in my life, and in the lives of others. Knowing that he is trying everything in is power to stop the work from progressing has just motivated me more to serve my mission.