All According to Plan

GUESS WHO GOT ACCEPTED TO THE MARRIOTT SCHOOL OF MANAGEMENT?!!!!




Clarification: I got accepted :) There goes my back-up plan to be a street beggar....

Watch Your Step

Unfortunately my plan to stare at the computer screen and suddenly be inspired with what I should write isn't working...all I have found is 50 other things I could be doing than writing this blog post...and weird spots on my ceiling...

It's funny how in the blink of an eye, our lives can take a 180 degree turn and we find ourselves following a different course of life than we ever planned and making decisions that we never saw ourselves making.

I look back at the whole 23.5 years of my life and it amazes me how many twists and turns my life has taken to this point. If you had asked me 5 years ago, just as I was graduating high school, where I saw myself in 5 years, and never in a million years would the words "finance major", "mission", and "BYU" be included of my description of what I saw my future to be like. How did I arrive at where I am, so far away from where I had ever imagined? It's like "they" say, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step...so watch your step". Our lives are composed of simple, small, and steady steps. Each step appears to be so insignificant, with no major impact in the eternal scheme of things. But appearances can be so deceiving...the small choices we make in our every day lives will determine our final destination.

I became so much more aware of the impact of decisions while I was on my mission as I would relate my story of why I was on a mission, since it had never been a plan for me. It made me realize that my decision to serve was really a culmination of so many little and big events in my life...from being raised LDS, to questioning my beliefs, to leaving for New York and discovering what my life might be like without the gospel, to getting distracted by the world, to getting hit on the head and "waking up", to eventually taking the big step of faith and putting my papers in. Every decision we make really does pull from all our experiences in our lives, which is why it is so important to always take everything that comes at us in our lives, blessings and trials, as learning experiences that will help us continue to find the path we need to follow, and never regret anything that did happen, wishing that we could just take it away. We can't change or live in the past, we need to simply to find the life lessons and move on.

So where are my steps leading me these days? Good question...I have no idea. But I am becoming more and more ready to see what the future has in store for me. Are the late night long phone calls, constant texting, and random spur-of-the-moment trip to spend an incredible weekend in California all steps that are leading to where everyone thinks they are leading? Or are these steps going to take a turn somewhere else or to a dead end? That's the beauty of relationships--there is the mystery of the unknown future that seems to be a invisible weight over every conversation. I'm scared of what's going to happen and I am trying so hard to watch every step I make, to make sure I make no mistakes this time. But how careful can we be in matters of love?

I guess all I have to say to myself is:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct thy paths.

the scriptures have all the answers :)

The "Face" of the Gospel

Today I am depressed for reasons that are not important in the eternal scheme of things, and decided the best way to find happiness right now is to stop thinking about myself and my current concerns, and instead remind myself of more important things in life.

While on my mission I had a companion tell me that she had seen the gospel on her mission. After that, I started to write down many of the amazing experiences on my mission where I too had seen the face of the gospel through God's children in Idaho and New Caledonia. I was able to fill a whole journal page of experiences I had and people who I had met, some just briefly, who helped me to see what the Gospel truly is. Here are just a few:

*a tearful prayer of gratitude from two sister missionaries as God grants them a miracle.

(day that I got cleared to serve my mission)

*a young adult crying as the Spirit testifies to her that Jesus is the Christ, knowledge that she had never had before in her Buddhist beliefs.

(Thuy Nelson's baptism--she was baptized after I left Moscow, Idaho)

*receiving a text from a member who was inactive for 11 years, informing us that he can once again take the sacrament...and watching the Atonement in action has he joyfully took the bread and water.

*a young teenage mother praying for the first time in her life, tears flowing as she openly talked to her attentive Heavenly Father

*being put in the path of an old woman who is sick and tired and being able to help and serve her as Christ would havedone.

*a priesthood blessing from an elder who knew nothing of my concerns for my family, specifically sister, letting me know that my family would be protected physically and spiritually during my mission-and the many wonderful letters that followed confirming that God will always keep His promises.

(being reunited with my best friend/sister)

*a man who quits smoking in a day because "it felt like the right thing to do."

(Jean-Claude's baptism)

*watching faithful members sacrifice the whole year so that they could save enough money to make the trip to New Zealand to attend the temple.

*a father who finally quits smoking and gets baptized after years of waiting, so that he can take his family to the temple and be sealed to them for time and all eternity.

(Jimmy's baptism)

*an old man who finds his faith and is willing to give up everything he owns and loves to follow someone he loves more--his Savior.

(Robert's baptism)

*an old valiant member whose son dies suddenly, and yet continues forward with a smile because for him the gospel is not just a list of beliefs--it is who he is and what he lives everyday.

(Brother Parau)

*being able to serve my full-mission despite my physical difficulties, as the Lord granted me daily strength to continue

(my last day in the field)

One month taste of the real world

The real world tastes very bitter sweet.

I can not believe it has been over a month since I came home. Time flys by faster after the mission than on it, if that's even possible.

I ache to return to my mission. I'd love nothing more right now than to be a full-time missionary again, to be back with my family in New Cal. However, I will admit that I am enjoying life right now, and the Lord has truly given me some great blessings since I've been home. I was blessed quickly and fairly easily with the job I wanted and was able to start right before school started. I have great coworkers and an awesome manager, plus a job that allows me to do a lot of my homework there which is helping me keep on top of my classes. I have been blessed to be at BYU. Never thought I'd put "blessed" and "BYU" in the same sentence....but just goes to show we can all change, and that we shouldn't judge an institution by its crazy marriage obsessed students. I love my classes and teachers, and LOVE that we can talk about religion in ANY class. I have been blessed with the ability to pay for school, rent, etc....not to mention the federal grants I just received for Fall and Winter semester! The Lord also blessed me with two old mission companions right down the street who are even in my same ward! It helps my New Cal homesickness by hanging out with them and being able to speak French and talk about the mission. Plus they are both such amazing people and great friends. I found friends for life on my mission, one of the major tender mercies the Lord extended to me in the field. I'm grateful He did, because otherwise I would have come home to very few, if any, friends. The one taste of real life I'm not enjoying is dating...I'm going to need a couple more years for that one ;)

18 months later

Where did the past 18 months of my life go? If it wasn't for the fact that I have surrounded myself in my room with reminders of "my island", I would begin to think that my mission was nothing but a wonderful dream. I miss it...I miss the island, the people, the language, the feeling of putting on my badge everyday, sharing the gospel with anyone and everyone who would listen. I even miss the food, raw fish and all! I know that the mission was meant to give me a foundation for the rest of my life, and that I now I need to continue on, continue to live this thing we call real life. But I don't want to...life just made so much more sense on the mission. I had direction, I knew what I needed to be doing everyday. Now it's up to me to make choices for my life...and not just any choices, but life-changing ones.

I'm scared...oh me of little faith.

Stronger than ever

I have been waiting for months for this month to arrive, and now that it has finally arrived it seems to be disappearing far too quickly. I leave for my mission in 24 days. I am excited to serve the Lord through missionary work, but I'll admit my nerves are setting in as I begin to make last preparations to leave. It's so surreal seeing my luggage sitting in the corner of my room, knowing that I will be packing soon to leave for 18 months to go to a country who's culture, customs, and language are far different than anything I've already experienced. I'm scared and nervous, worried that I will not adequately represent this amazing church. I pray every day for comfort and guidance to better help me prepare to become a missionary. I know the Lord will be with me always, as will the spirit be my constant companion.

I've had a very interesting week at work. On Tuesday my coworker handed me a book and stated the author of the book (a friend of hers) heard I was going on a mission and told her to have me read his book. Immediately I was worried because my coworker is not LDS, and in fact she is made it quite well-known she is very much against the LDS faith, for reasons I know not. However, I took the book and said I'd try it because it claimed on the cover it was not anti-LDS literature, nor did I think my friend Brandie would give me something that outwardly offended my faith knowing I am preparing to serve a mission. I wish I had been right. The book is titled "I was a Born-Again Mormon", and the author, Shawn McCraney, attacks the LDS faith. He is cunning and does not do it in such a way as most anti-LDS do, but his statements that he represented as facts about the LDS were despicable and made my stomach churn. He downgraded our view on Christ, stating that the LDS didn't feel Christ made the ultimate sacrifice or that we really need the atonement. He said that the LDS put on a facade and just appear to be perfect on the outside. I could go on but I don't feel it's necessary to know the details of what he said, except for the fact he was so very wrong about the church. I read about 100 pages of the book before I couldn't take it anymore and so during my lunch break I went home and grabbed "Jesus the Christ". I started reading that and couldn't put it down. I have tried before to read this book and always had a difficult time getting through it but this time I was breezing through it and understanding exactly what Talmage was stating. What was a further testimony builder to me that God knew I needed the spirit more than ever at that moment was that within the first 20 pages of the book Talmage explained in perfect detail and exactness our view of the Savior. It is just what I needed to hear.

After I got home from work I made the decision to give Brandie back her book and quickly explain to her that McCraney has completely misunderstood the LDS doctrine and that I couldn't even recognize my religion from what he was saying. Unfortunately the next time I worked with Brandie she threw another curveball at me. She sent me an email:

Hello! I just had to tell you the funniest thing that happened the night before last. Shawn McCraney emailed me and asked if I got his book back. I emailed him back and said what are you talking about. He said that a lot of people will give the book back to the person that gave it to them and cry heresy before they even read the whole book. I said no I didn't get the book back yet and that you were reading it. I told him you weren't like everyone else, you have a mind of your own and can come up with an opinion on your own about the book. He wrote me back and said, that he would bet me that I would get it back by the first of next week unread entirely. I said I will take that bet, what are we betting. He said if I win and you read the whole book, then 25.00 will be donated to your mission. If he wins, I have to donate 25.00 to his ministry.

I told him, you have no idea what you are asking. Harmony is extremely intelligent. And will totally win this challenge. He said yeah I've heard that before.

He said I have to have proof so there are questions I guess that need answers in the book? He said three questions from the book have to be answered in short paragraphs for me to be able to prove you read it.

So what do you think? Now I totally have to read it myself. Is there anything you want me to ask him that you have read so far? I know you love a debate, and I totally know he loves a debate. He would totally answer any questions you had.

I don't know if you are up for the challenge or not.

This email disgusted me because it is so manipulative. I am not sure if she wrote it or if he wrote it and her pass it off as her writing, but either way I was not happy. Here I was going to return the book to her that day and she has now tried playing to my intelligence and love of a good debate. Unfortunately for her because I am intelligent I can see what she is trying to do and I refuse to debate religion because it leads to nowhere and I love my faith too much to have this man try to drag it through the mud in an attempt to shake my testimony.

If this was anyone but my coworker I would tell her exactly what I think with no worries as to offending her, however since she is a coworker it becomes a very delicate situation because I still need to work with her. I hold no feelings of anger towards her, I'm more upset that she could be this disrespectful to my religion, a religion that I am willingly giving everything up to go serve and spread in another part of the world. Why would she try shaking my faith at a time like this? Why try to distract me from the sacred work I'm about to do? I've never once told her I've doubted my faith or testimony and yet through her emails it sounds like that's what she thinks is happening.

I am grateful for this situation overall though, because although she is being manipulative and disrespectful I know that this is not the last person I will come across that will slander my religion to my face. A few years ago this book could have been a testimony shaker; however my testimony has never been as firm or as strong as it is now. Nothing she or this author could say could make me waiver in my beliefs. All it does is make me stronger and more determined to find those that are truly searching for the truth.

I guess Brandie will be out $25 :)

Over a Month later...

So I haven't been doing very well on updating this and a lot has definitely happened.

Let me first start by saying I love my life. No matter how sad or depressed or down I get about things, in the end I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. I know that sometimes the grass does look greener on the other side but the truth is no one's life is perfect and we all have our struggles and challenges that we all must face. A good friend once told me that if everyone threw their challenges into a big pool and were told they could pick out what challenges they wanted to face, in the end we'd all end up grabbing our own back after realizing what other people are having to suffer with silently. I really believe that to be true. Yes, my struggles are really hard at times, but I know there are people out there that have it a lot harder than I do.

Summer semester ending earlier this month! I am so happy to finally have my Associates in Business after getting over 100 credit hours (sad, I know, but it took me awhile to decide my major). I am sad that my GPA didn't get where I needed it to be. I got an A in the class but it wasn't enough to pull my 3.89 GPA any higher--I had hoped to graduate with a 3.9. I have made it a goal to have a 3.9 when I graduate with my Bachelors.

My family took a trip to Oregon and Washington. It was amazing and a much needed vacation! We rented wave-runners and went out on Loon Lake in Oregon. It was a blast! We rented 2 and we all switched off driving it. I found it more fun to be on the back though because my brothers are seriously insane on them and I loved the thrill of trying to hold on. It was a ton of fun but I unfortunately wasn't able to handle it for very long and had to sit on the sidelines--I am very tired of not being able to have fun and do things because of my neck. Lately it seems that everything I do hurts my neck. I try not to get too discouraged--I know I need to have faith that the blessing I received the night of my accident will be fulfilled and I will be healed. We stayed that night in a hotel close to the lake and the next day made a 5 hour trip up the Oregon coast to our awesome condo--nice and spacious for the 8 of us (the whole family came except Chris of course). On the way up the coast we stopped and saw the Heceta Head Lighthouse--the lighthouses in Maine are nicer looking but the scenery around this one was breathtaking--such vivid colors! There were sea lions swimming around and laying on the rocks below--such odd looking creatures.

The next day we went to Cannon Beach--less than a minute away from our condo. Unfortunately it was overcast and raining so we didn't get in the water but my brothers and dad threw a baseball around while Kim, Nikki, and I built a "sandcastle"-more like a mound of dirt with a stick in it but considering our lack of resources it wasn't too shabby :). We then headed to an outdoor mall and spent a few hours there.

The next day it was on to Seaside. We went another outdoor mall--they seem to be popular in Oregon--that was close to the ocean. We goofed around in a hat shop and took tons of pictures--my family is easily amused sometimes ha ha. We then spent most of the day weaving in and out of shops. I really enjoyed spending time with my brothers because I hardly get to see either of them anymore, plus I love Aaron's wife Nikki--we're very close (It helps that I'm only 8 months older than her). It was raining that day too so we went back to our condo relatively early and had a barbeque and played games.

And then it was on to Washington! We packed up the car and made yet another long car ride up to Seatac, Washington. We unpacked and went and got dinner at Jack-in-the-Box and I was reminded why I don't eat fast food very often. To please Kim we then went to a huge mall that was nearby. We then spent the next few hours shopping--my sister is most definitely a shop-a-holic.

The next day was one of my favorite days--we were able to go meet my great aunt Marvel, who I have never met before and my dad hasn't seen since he was about 10. Marvel is my late grandma's sister who has lived in Seattle since my dad was little. My grandparent's and dad used to make the trip up to Seattle to see her a lot when my dad was growing up, but after my grandparent's accident my grandma didn't feel up to being the one to drive to Seattle so her and her sister never got to see each other anymore but would still talk on the phone all the time. We didn't tell my aunt we were coming and just surprised her. Her reaction was amazing when my dad announced at the door that he was Virgina's son. It was beyond amazing being able to sit and talk with her. She is almost 92 and her memory is amazingly sharp and she was able to tell us stories about my grandma. One of the reasons I enjoyed the afternoon so much is my great aunt Marvel is so much like how my grandma was before she passed away (that is before she became very sick and was not a pleasant person). It brought up so many memories for me (my grandma passed away when I was 11 so my memories of her had become blurry) and reminded me of how my grandma was before she got very sick--her and her sister have the exact same sense of humor. It was almost like being with my grandma and it was the highlight of my trip.

That night we went to a Seattle Mariners and New York Yankees game at Safeco Stadium. I cannot tell you how much I love watching MLB live! This one was great and suspenseful--the two teams were tied til about the bottom of the 7th inning. The Yankees ended up winning 4 to 2. I was excited to see Ken Griffey Jr. play but sad he didn't get any homeruns. During the 7th inning stretch a fan ran out onto the field and was chased down by security--I guess she wanted her 10 seconds of fame at the cost of at least $1000.

The next day we drove into Seattle and went to the Fish Market--Pike's Place I believe it's called. I can't stand the taste or smell of fish but it was fun watching the guys throw the fish around, plus I need to get used to it because I'm sure I'll be eating a lot of fish in New Caledonia. While driving around Seattle my lawyer called me and told me Coca Cola had made an offer for my settlement. After a few phone calls and more negotiating we finally settled on an amount (when I got home I signed the paperwork and sent it to my lawyer and should have the money soon and then this whole thing will be over with!)

The rest of my trip I don't remember as well--I should have blogged about it sooner. We did some more shopping and tried to go see Mt St Helens but didn't realize that the actual site is about an hour and a half away from the Visitors' Center and we didn't have the time to go further because we had to start heading home. RR (my car) has another 2500 miles on him thanks to the trip but luckily had low miles to begin with and having Pierce (my GPS) was amazing--we never got lost.

I love family vacations and it was hard to come back to the real world but now I can look forward to my next big trip! Bring on Fiji!